Building Zion: Currently Under Construction

Looking Back in a Good Way (a definitely non-pillar of salt way)

2009-03-25T22:26:00.008-04:00

Building upon what I most recently posted, I want to challenge everyone to obtain (wherein you have not already done so) a five generation pedigree chart. This is perhaps the easiest and most satisfying place to begin any personal genealogy. And it's this easy. List the following about yourself: date of birth, city/county/state of birth, date of marriage, city/county/state of marriage, and any of the same information about your spouse--also include a date of death if applicable.
Now, if you've done this you finished step one. Next, obtain the same information about your parents. They will then probably know most of the same information about their grandparents (that's step two and three). Now you're three generations back. If you are fortunate enough to have grandparents who are still living you can get any missing information from them, and then ask them about their parents. If they have all the information, great, but in most cases they may be missing some dates or locations. Those are the first holes you'll need to fill. I'm also fairly confident that for the fifth generation your grandparents will be able to give you at least the names of their grandparents (your fifth generation) if not further information.
So there you go, five generations in quick and easy fashion and five is one more generation than what will fit on a typical 8 1/2 x 11 inch genealogical chart (the extra one generation I hope compels you to keep going beyond the four generations--beyond the one chart). I really can't over emphasize how easy it is to get a lot of this information filled in for your first five generations. And with that, you can begin to pull in new information. One neat place to start is by getting copies of U.S. Censuses with your ancestors on them. They are really neat forms and you can get them online from Ancestry.com. For those without access to ancestry.com, for free, you can get a free trial of ancestry and during that time begin to look up these old census records and print off what you find. They list names, ages, occupation, if owning a home, and a number of other things. And I guarantee you have enough information to track down your older ancestors on these forms, and these forms and the aid of ancestry.com may be enough to help you fill in some holes or even push your records back more than five generations.Good luck with it all. I encourage everyone to know at least this much about yourself and to have the information readily available. It's a good reminder that you have a responsibility to many who came before you both to do well with your life, as to provide what blessings you can, through the temple, to them.

Below is an example of a four generation pedigree chart. I doubt it's printable, but it gives you an idea and can be found by clicking the following link: pedigree chart.

A Chain of 4

2009-03-18T20:37:00.006-04:00

Family. Everything always seems to come back to family. I think anyone who ever heard the example of 2 + 2 = 3 thought it was erroneous--a little over the top. I know I always did. I understood the hyberbole and it's analogy, but still I found it hard to really relate such an absurd conclusion to real life. No outcome is really ever that off track.

That's what I thought.

Here's what I know now. 2 + 2 = 3 is not close enough to the reality of present day human thought. Or maybe the problem is that there is more and more of physical impulse and less and less of thought. The prevalence of sex in the world has little to do with thought and a lot to do with unchecked physical desire. I could say the same for a lot of the sorry things in which we as humans participate. In any case, 2 + 2 = 0 seems to be much closer to the reality of things now than I ever thought possible, and it all comes back to the family.
Paul Simon misspoke ages ago when he chimed out "I am a rock, I am an island." Nothing could be further from truth. No man is a rock. No man is an island. Even the great virgin birth, Jesus Christ himself, had both mother and father. It might be added that he also had surrogate father, brothers, sisters, ancestors and likely other descendants that have survived him from his mother and step-father. We are all connected and it's a marvelous thing and it's marvelously overlooked.
Do you realize that you can trace your life back, and that you can do it further and further and ultimately guess what? If it were possible you'd run right into Noah and his ark. Beyond that you'd run into Adam and Eve. Beyond Adam and Eve . . . well you can imagine. What a noble heritage is the inheritance of every person walking this earth. But few care. I hope if you're reading this that you care.
I hope you're doing what you can to contribute to the line that you came from. I hope you're doing what you can to contribute to the line of people that are going to come after you. Unless you're one of those I referred to as getting 0 from 2 + 2.
The world is stripping more and more importance from families and more and more importance from children. That's an entirely separate story. I just want to gently remind everyone that 2 + 2 = 4. That nothing comes after us unless we contribute more than the works of our hands. Also, we would not be had it not been for ages and ages of contributors before us. Maybe some don't like their parents. Or grandparents, but traced back far enough everyone comes from royal stock. Everyone is a son or daughter of God. Everyone is a descendent of someone else who hoped that they had left something of value to this world. Could you be that something of value? Are you living your life in such a way to honor that family before you and to prepare for the family to come after you?
A little more pointedly, before anyone claims that they are a rock or an island, how much do you know about those who came before you? I am so compelled to family history research. I cannot really explain it, but it is something real that wells up in your heart and in your stomach and won't let you rest. It cries out that you are the result of great works with great potential ahead of you. We don't carry on last names just because it's quaint, but because a name and a heritage used to and should still mean something. Seek to find out where you came from and then begin to understand who you really are. Understand that nothing is more intrical to life than families. If not for families, the earth would be barren. A vacant paradise. We're each the next most important link in this chain, and it's important both to be a strong link, but also to come to know the chain to which we're attached.

Dishwashers.

2009-03-15T22:02:00.005-04:00

This is a real dishwasher.

I imagine that the excuse most people use for owning an electric dishwasher is that it saves them time doing dishes. Of course the majority of America spends an inexcusable amount of time before the flashing shrine we call the television. I suppose if my sanity/reason-for-life-itself were tied up in a group of fictitious hospital operatives with names like McSteamy I'd be pretty intent on freeing up my evenings of any 'lesser' chores or activities. In my opinion I am fortunate to live with a wife who abhors the television and as a result we decided not to have one anywhere in our home. Not so much by choice but incidence a dishwasher is something we've also never had in our home. I'm not saying that dishwashing is the key to heaven, or even a key to Zion, but I would ask anyone and everyone to evaluate just how useful you're making that 'extra' time that a dishwasher saves you.
For my part I would not trade my time spent washing dishes by hand for anything. For one there is a certain satisfaction and even joy that comes from being personally involved in the cleaning of ones home. I don't like to have dishes piled high on the counter (as a matter of fact there is a mountain out there right now), but I do like to know when they're finished, and to have that bit of refreshment that comes from being physically active--even in such a small way. Beyond that, and perhaps becoming more important, I treasure the time it gives us to work together as a family on the presentation and cleanliness of our home. My son Nolan loves to do dishes with us. I can't say I always love the job he does . . . but I've broken a few dishes in my day too, so I can't complain too much. Oh, and he also drenches himself, the floor, the chair he stands on to reach the sink, and anyone in the vicinity. He's learning to work though, and to enjoy working. He's also enjoying time spent with me, his dad (or his mom, whoever got the poncho on first). We talk a little bit, laugh, joke around, and just genuinely enjoy one another's company. I'm anxious for Gerret to be big enough to help out. I'm sure that if we someday have a dishwasher I will still find excuses to spend time with my kids, or my wife. But I hope that it is time spent teaching things like the value of hard work. The key to a full, long life, after all is hard work.
So I've never used a dishwasher, and don't plan on it.

Figuring the Figures

2009-02-26T20:03:00.001-05:00

The Lord said to do it and that’s good enough for me.
Then again there’s the fact that if I didn’t consider my finances I’d very soon find myself without any finances. I remain convinced and unmoving on the fact that much of our financial woes come about because we fail to plan/budget. Like any meandering journey, without direction you’ll sooner or later walk right into trouble. When you’ve taken time to look at the maps and plot your course, you’ll only walk in roses and good times.
Lindsay and I have managed to walk in mostly roses and good times. Though I must admit we have dropped our map at times and walked right into briars and thorny bushes.
Our first attempts at financial organization were non-existent. They were those precious few months of our courtship when all caution went to the wind. All money went to the wind too. I think anyone is excused in a little carelessness at this time of their life.
As our wedding day approached, and along with it the reality of what we were doing, we began to understand that if we did not begin to settle down a little and gain control of our finances we would permanently lose control of them. So we gave it our first pitiful attempt—a ledger book. We weren’t subtracting it out of our checking account as we went or anything responsible like that. Oh no. We were just writing down the purchases as we made them and then adding it all up at the end of the month. I’m not sure what good that did us, but it provided at least one moment every month where we exclaimed, “Holy cow we spent that much!” So we were trying, but only as much as a begrudging child tries to enjoy peas at a parent's command.
After a crazy first year of marriage we retreated to the solitude of upstate New York for a summer. It was a little like our summer of courtship all over again. We spent money and traveled all over the place, leaving traces of our life savings in our wake. The end of the summer was another “Holy cow!” moment. It was time for some repenting.
Our next effort was better, with a little too much fun peppered in and too little function in the mix. We took a large sheet of butcher paper and posted it on our wall. In a table sort of style we wrote months across the top and budget categories down the left side. Our categories included such things as gas, food, utilities, fun, etc. We had a specific amount we had allotted for each category listed as well. Then, as we spent our money we would track across the top to the appropriate month, down to the appropriate category, and then write in amount, date, and place of the expenditure. In this way we were much more organized. It was a cool little budget planner we had hidden behind a door, but again we did not keep real good track of the totals until the end of the month. So the lesson we learned was that no matter how cool your budget is, and no matter how detailed you get in your recordings, it’s not worth much more than a cool detailed thing until you start keeping track throughout the month.
I think we’re finally just about as good as we can be. We have a specific place in the home that we put all of our receipts. Once a week we sit down and add them all up in their respective categories. We now keep track in a notebook that is much easier to handle and much more preservable (is that a real word?). So as we go we know just how much we’ve spent and just how much we have left. This helps us ration our money a little better. We don’t overspend at the beginning and we are a little wiser at the end. This has helped us ensure that we always meet our needs, but always have money left over for fun and to build up a supply in the bank.

As a final note, we’re happy to announce that while at the beginning of our marriage we had almost 0 money left to spend on our own desires (you may call this an allowance) we are up to $100 a piece at times, with extra money for dates. Yes, we are living large.

Special For Valentines

2009-02-12T09:43:00.008-05:00

For Today: 2 quotes by 2 insightful men which, if lived by, will bring more joy into your marriages and stability into your families. And that is all. Happy Valentine's Day!

The trick is to enjoy the journey traveling hand in hand, in sunshine and storm, as companions who love one another. Gordon B. Hinckley

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Getting More From Your Money: Part 4

2009-02-11T00:00:00.003-05:00

Today we want to share a little bit of knowledge about Certificates of Deposit or what we commonly refer to as CDs. I think they get a lot of bad press because they are what are called ‘term’ deposits. What ‘term’ means is that you are handing over your money for an agreed upon period of time. Many people shy away from this kind of investment because of the fear that “I might need that money before the term is up and then what?! I’ll lose money”. Liquidity (or easy access) tends to be one of the most important factors to people when it comes to their money. Liquidity is second only to security in importance to most people.

Now let’s debunk a lot of the fear behind investing in Certificates of Deposit, so you can start using them to earn more money.

1. I have to hand over a lot of my money if I want to open a CD. This is quite simply untrue (well, from a perspective). Most financial institutions will allow you to open a CD for $1000 and some will allow them for even less. Some institutions will only require you open a CD of $500. Of course, the more you put into a CD the higher your rate will be, but even these smaller amounts will generally earn you 2 to 3 times the interest of a savings account, and definitely 4 to 5 times the interest of most checking accounts (usually a checking account offers no interest unless many qualifications are met).
2. I have to give up my money for a really long time. Again, this is true and false. The longer you put your money into a CD the higher your rate of return will be, but often you can open a CD for less than a year and often for as short a term as 6 months. So do you see how this is becoming a little more feasible? So for only $500-$1000 and for only 6 months you could be doubling, tripling, quadrupling or more the interest that your money is earning back for you. And most of us have close to 6 months of foresight.
3. If I have an emergency and need the money I’m going to get penalized. This will depend upon your institution. There will always be a penalty, but it most often will not be as bad as you fear. In most cases you will never lose any of the money you invested. Most institutions charge a penalty against the interest earned. As an example on a 24 month CD, if closed early, you may lose 6 months of interest. On a shorter CD you may lose 3 months. In any case, you have kept everything invested, and if you had a CD for 12 months, closed it at 11, lost 3 months of interest, then you are still ahead of where you would have been with your regular savings account. You earned 8 months of interest that was 2 to 3 times your savings account, or 1.5 to 2 years worth of what your savings account would have earned! See how easy it is?
4. It will be a big hassle for us to close it early. It only take a couple seconds for the CD to be closed out whether at maturity or earlier. The process is really the same, needing only the check of a box on the computer to go forward with or without a penalty.
5. I don’t have time to open a CD. Everyone has the time. Many places will allow you to do it over the phone because your money stays within your account (if you are opening a CD at your current institution). If you are going to a new bank or Credit Union, then yes, plan on a little while to set yourself up, but opening a CD with your current financial institution is a couple minute process.
--This isn’t a concern of anyone’s, but check with your financial institution. Ask them what your average balance has been for the past few months. I guarantee it will be higher than you think and hopefully it may provide courage enough to those who need it to finally get a little bit more out of your money. This question can usually be answered as simply as calling on the phone.
So that’s the advice for the day. Nothing too fancy, just a little bit of knowledge we’ve picked up. If you have any comments or questions feel free to let us know, and please--you owe it to yourself--start getting more from your money.

Here's What Not to Do in the Kitchen

2009-02-10T00:00:00.001-05:00

-- I preface this entry by saying that I am a man, and as such I make no claims to speak for women. The advice contained herein and the assumptions it makes about ones kitchen etiquette and understanding applies solely to myself and those of the male specimen. --

I find myself teetering on the edge of one who loves to cook good food. I am dangerously close to falling right out of that classification and finding myself floundering in the murky ocean of natural disasters. Following is a list of what you should at all costs avoid to do in the kitchen. They are natural disasters, because naturally they'd be the disaster that followed their action. Following each bit of counsel is a real life story illustrating why certain things should be avoided (the stories are included for the unbelieving who won't take someone at the word)(oh yeah, and the names of those involved have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty).

1. Never ever ever operate the blender with the lid off while trying to force the ingredients down into the blade with a wooden spoon.

Now while this may sound pretty easily comprehended, I add that you most likely shouldn't use any sort of tool to force the blender ingredients into a rapidly rotating steel blade. I knew of a chap named P. Money who found himself trying to make pear puree for use in a food dehydrator--a fruit leather project. When the pear chunks insisted on floating above the blades, P. Money decided he was going to need to step in and convince those floaters otherwise. Now, as a gangster, P. Money was used to the adage that a 'big stick' is always best. Unfortunately as a married man he had abandoned his billy club and the only remaining wooden object in the home was one of his wife's best wooden spoons. Of course that would do. 'Ideal' he thought. So there it went, down went the pears, down went the spoon, and then up went the pears and up went the spoon--both in equally small pieces. The entire pear mix had to be abandoned due to wooden splinters throughout and P. Money had to admit the sorry events to his wife and note a lesson duly learned.

2. Cold water and hot glass should never find themselves together.

We knew another gentlemen who went by the name of Trick Mitchell (we know a lot of thugs). He got a little hasty after making a loaf of bread. The story still makes me cry that he had shown such patience in making the bread and then lost his patience in the home stretch. He pulled the glass bread pan out of the oven and flipped it to get out the loaf . . . nothing. The bread seemed insistent on staying inside the pan. Then Mr. Trick seemed to remember something about cold water shrinking warm objects -- so he tried it. As with P. Money, Mr. Trick lost the entire loaf to glass shards. His wife's beautiful glass pan exploded as soon as the water hit it and Mr. Trick had quite the mess to pick up--including his pride--from off the floor.

3. Never preheat a pan with nothing in it . . . and definately don't forget about the pan after doing so.

Another of our friends named, um . . . uh . . . what was his name again Lindsay? Patrick? I didn't remember that, that's the same name as me. Huh. Well, so we had nother friend named Patrick who thought that when a skillet recipe asked him to preheat the skillet it meant to do so empty. Then he forgot about the pan. When he finally remembered he flew to the oven and yanked the skillet right off . . . and the burner came along with it. The discovered damage was that the pan had gotten so hot the bottom began to melt and the burner started to come up into the pan. Inside, the previously teflon coated sides were now stainless steel and though he remembered preheating it empty, there was a dark powder all over the inside. Finally, the red outside of the skillet was now black and the formerly stainless steel lid was now a yellowish-gold color. It a was a crazy sight and I felt bad for him, but he learned his lesson.

4. Even if you do put something in a pan, don't forget about it!

The same sort of thing happened to our friend P. Diddy when he boiled water but forgot about it. The pan isn't with the family anymore. Enough said.

5. Even if a recipe calls for no flour . . . put flour in it.

I knew an LDS missionary named Elder Mitchell who found a quick and easy brownie recipe. It called for butter, sugar, some baking powder, cocoa, eggs, oil, and time. The result was a thin, black, brick like object that never did come out of the pan afterwards. Later another missionary told him about the flour thing.

Well, that's all my wisdom for today. I've seen a lot of crazy things in my time and have felt sorry for each of these guys. Maybe I'll give some more advice later, but let this all sink in first. Happy cooking! Safely of course.

Do Try THIS at Home

2009-02-08T03:01:00.001-05:00

This week's 8 day challenge is One on One Time.

I'm here to encourage you (parents/spouses) to take time to spend alone with each individual in your family. And to do it more than just once! Preferably, make it a consistent thing. This practice is important in any family, whether there are only two of you, if you have really young children, or even if you have many grandchildren.

It's all about strengthening relationships, providing opportunities for fun and relaxed conversation, and becoming comfortable enough with one another to share our concerns, joys, dreams, and sorrows. Every parent should be afforded the time (or more likely, make the time) to spend one on one with each child. This is a time to have fun with them, to learn more about them, to encourage them, to laugh and feel close to each other. Just as important, is taking time to spend alone with your spouse. One on one time is a good way to nourish and strengthen the relationships within your family, consequently strengthening your family as a whole.

So for this week:

Plan Activities. Think about each member of your family. Consider what they like to do. Find something that shows them that you recognize their interests and want to participate in things they enjoy. Think of things that encourage communication (even if you sit through a movie, go get ice cream or something afterward). It doesn't have to be big and fancy. It doesn't have to cost money. It doesn't really have to be away from home. It doesn't have to take a ton of time either (though the quantity is important -some is always better than none). Maybe your infant likes to gnaw on carrots and watch you do the hand motions for Itsy Bitsy Spider. The requirements are: 1. Enjoyable Activity. 2. Conducive to Communication. 3. Alone.

Set a Date. After you have an idea of something you could do with each individual, look at your family calendar. Decide when you will spend one on one time with the members of your family. Maybe your family is so large that you'll have to spread your plans out over the next two or three months. Or maybe your family is just the two of you and this is something you could do weekly. Whatever the case, make the dates and record them and announce them and prepare for them. This should be a special thing. It should be fun. It should be something to eagerly anticipate.
Follow Through. Do what you have advertised and planned for. Make it happen and make it fun. Remember that this should be a time for enjoying each other's company.
Evaluate. After you complete each "date", personally assess it and use your assessment as you plan for the next one. Note that improving upon the last doesn't mean making more elaborate plans.

I hope you try this and find that it really is beneficial. A wise man once said, "Parents should work to create loving, eternal connections with their children". One on one time is a good way to create and strengthen these connections and also the connections between husband and wife. Go on, give it a try!

How could you do that to your own Family?

2009-02-05T03:43:00.001-05:00

That was the question my coworker presented to me after a disturbing encounter with some credit union members. It seems an older gentleman had, in foresight of his advancing age, granted his two children Power of Attorney over him.

–for those of you who don’t know, Power of Attorney is legal authority to act in the name of someone else, a power granted you by that person—
Well, this fellow was in with his daughter trying to figure out where all of his money had gone to. There were only three people with access to the account: the gentleman, his daughter, and his son. Digging and research provided evidence that all of the money had been withdrawn by his son in abuse of the Power of Attorney he had been granted. The father, well into retirement, was now penniless but for his monthly retirement income.
“How could you do this to your own family?”
I stood there and reflected over the question and the incident. How could you do something like that to your own family? To the very father of your life? And wouldn’t you know, I was led back to a conclusion I’d made and mentioned before on this site: Family is a choice.
There is Webster’s family that is easy enough to come upon, but that isn’t what my coworker was asking. She wasn’t asking “How could you do this in a family like the one Webster describes?” She was asking “How could you do this in a Family like the one I have that means everything in the world to me?” Birth, blood, residence, relation, none of these things make family meaningful. In order for Family to be great, and for Family to mean something to any of us, you need to make that choice. Every member needs to make that choice and be helped in making that choice.
That young man is unjustified in what he did to his father. It was a disgusting act. There is no answer for it. There is however answer to my coworker’s question. “How could you do that to your own family?” It seems obvious that to this young man, there was no Family—only Webster.

Getting More From Your Money: Part 3

2009-02-04T04:00:00.001-05:00

For all intents and purposes the Roth IRA works just like a regular savings account, but earns a lot more money!

At my financial institution the Roth IRA consistently earns 2 to 3 to more times the interest of a regular savings account. So that $1000 is earning me $30+ a year rather than the $10 or less of my savings account. To be clear, there is great potential for no risk investment here in the Roth IRA.

The only catch to the great deal of the Roth IRA is that you can't contribute/deposit more than $5000 a year to it, and the interest earned cannot be withdrawn before you are 59 1/2 (at least not without penalty). That's not bad huh? So you can put in your money and take it out at anytime with no problem. You've already paid taxes on all money going in and so that's your money, free and clear. The interest, however, is not yet 'yours'. As with any account, interest earned must be claimed as income and taxes paid accordingly. As an IRA the interest in the Roth is not taxed until it is withdrawn. So if you don't withdraw that earned interest until you're 59 1/2 or older then you pay interest as usual. If, however, you withdraw the interest early then you must claim it as interest for that year and pay a 10% penalty tax on top of that. That's the only penalty. So of that $30+ I earned, if I were to withdraw it early the only penalty I'd pay would be $3 and that still leaves me nearly $20 richer than if I had kept the same $1000 in my regular savings account!!

How great is that!? Ideally, yes, it's for retirement, but the Roth IRA does offer a venue for your money that will allow it to grow quicker with very few (and very unintimidating) catches. Now, a few notes.

1. Some institutions only allow term IRA deposits and often have a sizeable minimum balance. This is not a requirement of an IRA, but rather a requirement of certain institutions. All you need to do is find an institution that offers regular Roth IRA savings accounts with no minimum balance. That's what we offer where I work.

2. There is generally a minimum starting fee. Where I work it is a one time $10 fee. So I pay $10 to start it, earn $30+ and am still ahead of where a regular savings puts me. Far ahead.

3. Find out about service charges. Again, extra charges are not native to IRAs, so if the particular institution wants to impose extra charges, just find another institution.

That's it. It's easy to set up. It will earn you a lot of extra money. So why aren't you already out the door to get one for yourself?

Precaution

2009-02-03T14:26:00.001-05:00

This is a funny little poem about communication. It kind of goes with Patrick's challenge this past Sunday. It's author was anonymous. I came across a copy of it in a book I read a few months ago. I think we sometimes think of communication as something that just happens, but it really is something that we can control and use to the benefit or destruction of our families and marriage. So here it is:

Precaution

They say a wife and husband, bit by bit

Can rear between their lives a mighty wall

So thick they cannot speak with ease through it,

Nor can they see across, it stands so tall.

Its nearness frightens them, but each alone

Is powerless to tear its bulk away;

And each, heartbroken, wishes he had known

For such a wall the magic word to say.

So let us build with master art, my dear

A bridge of faith between your life and mine--

A bridge of tenderness and very near--

A bridge of understanding, strong and fine;

Till we have built so many lovely ties,

There never will be room for walls to rise.

The Diagnosis is Negative . . .

2009-02-01T14:57:00.001-05:00

There is a dire need to remove (surgically if need be) the amount of negative feelings, words, and actions, from the Family.

Argument is not communication.

Argument is argument. It is discord. It is biting. It is the opposite of communication.

Debate is the communicative form of the argument. Debate occurs without biting, without any negativism, without discord.

Yet, somehow, argument seems to be more common in many homes than debate--more common even than communication itself. For some reason (blame a lot of TV and movies for it) Families have come to view argument as something that is unavoidable. Families aren't trying to avoid arguments, they're just trying to prepare for them and survive them. Much better were the days of Dick Van Dyke than our days of King of the Hill and Home Improvement.

When argument is the common/expected lot, then real growth as a family is not possible.

"Just as effective communication is almost always found in strong, healthy families, poor communication is usually found in unhealthy family relationships. Marriage and family therapists often report that poor communication is a common complaint of families who are having difficulties. "(source)

"Good communication between parents and teens is the very best way to keep teens safe."(source)

"Effective communication is a major characteristic of strong families, and is one of the factors that helps them get through hard times."(source)

I don't know how the treatment of spouse, child, or parent, has gotten to this point of anticipated discord and argument, but I wish for us all to make the necessary 180 degree turn (when and where necessary) and help our Families succeed. Any negative words are wasted words. Criticism is not solution. But where does one begin? The best place to begin any change is with ourselves--to quote from Nelson Mandella, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world (or I'd add 'in your family)."

Take this coming week to begin your personal 180 degree turn. Each night before going to bed you need to make a list. It may help to put a 3x5 card (or notebook) and pen on your pillow. Take some time and list every instance from the day when you were negative. Whether these were negative thoughts, words, or actions. List them all down. Look over the list.

--Above all avoid making judgement on the events. Don't try to determine whether you were justified or not, or whether it was the fault of someone else. Negativism is always the innappropriate response and we are always at fault for the way we act or react.--

Now, after spending whatever you deem adequate time with your list, tear it up and discard it. No one else needs to read it, and you don't need to reread it. The exercise is mainly to help draw your attention to the negative energies of the day, because you can't fix a leak you can't find.

The following morning you are going to use a new 3x5 card or notebook and list eight positive things about everyone living in your home. Once you've finished the list look it over and discard. Repeat this exercise everyday this week. See how it helps you to begin each day by positively evaluating everyone else and ending each day evaluating your own weaknesses.

You can't have any greater success than the success of family, but you can't succeed as a family unless you communicate, and you can't communicate if argument is common place (when argument is common place then coming together to set family goals is just combining yeast and vinegar--the explosion is guaranteed).

Friday's Family

2009-01-30T10:17:00.001-05:00

When Patrick and I were kind of dating (as in we saw each other almost every day but didn't quite call it dating), we attended a church conference together where the subject of most of the talks ended up being marriage. It was awkward, to say the least, especially because we weren't really calling our relationship dating at that point. For most of it, I just sat there, stiffly twidling my thumbs, waiting for the end to come, but somehow, though I mostly wasn't listening, I came home having gleaned one new and valuable piece of knowledge which I will share now:

A new family starts at marriage.

The speaker (Elder John H. Groberg, if you must know) explained that it is a pretty common thing for newly weds to be asked by the likes of some unfortunately awkward great aunt or next door neighbor, "So when are you two going to start your family?" Meaning, "When are you going to start multiplying like rabbits?"

Other than being just plain inappropriate and slightly rude to ask anyone this question, it is also implying that a family is only a family when there are children in it.

The correct answer to that question would be, "We just did!"

Elder Groberg helped me realize (or maybe think about for the first time) that marriage creates a family, not children. I could say a lot more about this and tell you more of what he said in that meeting and maybe I will some other day, but I'm bringing it up right now as an introduction to another family that is very special to me.

The Murrays- Jordan and Diana

They have been married for almost two years, have moved more times than I hope to ever have to, are successful at pursuing goals and working really really hard, and have two wonderful little cats. They are great people, lots of fun to hang out with, and for being so young, they have a wealth of experience and knowledge. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my only brother Jord & his lovely wife Diana.

My Questions:Their Answers

One Word to describe your family/marriage: FUN

3 things you like to do together: watch movies, play pool, play boardgames

The most enjoyable place you have lived: Gilbert, AZ in our new home

favorite place to eat out together: Olive Garden

the best thing about Arizona?: the weather

The worst thing about Arizona?: it it not very green, it lacks trees and grass and the smell of sulfur and cow manure a few miles down the road that could ruin any appetite, probably peel the paint off your car and make you want to hold your breath until the next town over, is not very pleasant!

How have you coped with moving so much?: The only thing we really have to cope with is packing up our stuff and lugging it cross country but it's fun to have change, see different cities and experience new cultures. So it's not that bad.

How many times have you moved exactly?: 8 times since April 07

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Favorite vacation: Our cruise to Mexico has pretty much been our only vacation. It was such a nice break after our first summer with security sales, and a great reward for the hard work Jordan and I both did that long, stressful summer!

Plans for the future: We both can't wait to be parents, so that is number one on our list. As for career wise, Jordan is still with security, managing and working hard, as for me, well I plan to finish school soon and put that degree to use! We both want to be financially free... and know that we can provide for our children, our family, and not have to worry about not having enough time or money.

What is a trial your family has experienced and how did you get through it?: The stress of not having a place to call home (until recently). It’s stressful to constantly be packing and unpacking and never actually getting settled in. We have a lot of friends but they all live in different parts of the country, which makes it hard to keep in touch. Now we are in our new home, and we don’t have to worry about where we have to go next.

What is the quality you like best about your family? We are always forgiving. We know that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect, we try to be understanding and forgiving as best as we can and I love that about us.

What color(s) do you (plan to) decorate your kitchen? Reds

Do you and Jordan have a favorite song? Stolen, by Dashboard Confessionals

Family life would be simpler if.....The rest of our family did not live on the other side of the country! ::wink wink::

Food for Thought

2009-01-29T09:19:00.001-05:00

Allow me to provide you some food for thought.
The Family was intended to exist as a close knit unit. Why else bind yourselves together if the intent was not to be a tight group? to be a place of warmth, security, love and comfort? Marriage would be all the more ridiculous if our destiny were to remain as individuals, isolated and solitary.
If you look back just 150 years ago, the majority of families were, of necessity, close knit groups. Everyone worked together on the family farm to accomplish the requirements of life. Sometimes it became necessary for members to hire out to earn money, but such an arrangement was never ideal and always terminated as quickly as feasible. All intent was for family to be together. Lands were given as inheritance so that children would have no need of moving away. Several generations made up a single town, or parcel of land. The Family did all it could to be close (isn’t it interesting that in those early days of America, the more people you had in your home the warmer it would be in the winter?).
Now examine the world today, even your own family. Rather than drawing nearer to one another, the family has grown disparate. Rather than working together the father looks for jobs outside the home. We are now in an era where even the mother is looking for work outside the home and in a place separate from the father. Children attend school, then sports or other extracurricular activities. The Family is who we spend the least amount of time with, and as time goes by each member spends less and less time together.
So in your daily endeavors and activities, wherein is the Family?

Getting More From Your Money: Part 2

2009-01-27T21:29:00.002-05:00

An Educational Savings Account. These fall under the same jurisdiction as IRAs, but the difference is already obvious. Now don't confuse the ESA with the 529 Plan offered by most states. The 529 has its own benefits but ca only be used for higher education (college and higher) and is just much more complicated than the ESA.

If you intend at all to save money for your children let me herein beg of you to do them a favor and save this way. I see far too many people come in and open up regular savings accounts for their children (or worse yet they use a piggy bank at home--poor idea). Using an ESA rather than a regular savings account (or piggy bank) has a number of advantages.

#1. Contributions made to an ESA can be tax deductible. Neither the piggy nor the savings can offer this. They grow tax deffered and, if used on educational purposes, you never pay taxes on the money in an ESA.

#2. The money in the ESA grows risk free and is federally insured.

#3. The money in an ESA earns (typically) 2 to 3 times what a normal savings account will earn, and often earns more than that!

#4. There are no minimum balances or terms. If your current financial institution imposes terms (meaning you can't take the money back out before a certain date) or minimum balances, this is entirely your institution and not a function of the ESA. Go look at other institutions in your area that offer regular no minimum no term ESAs. The only requirement that comes with the ESA is a $2000-a-year cap on the contributions to it and the funds must be used for educational purposes.

#5. Anyone can contribute! This means birthday money from relatives, anything can go in.

#6. Finally, an educational expense is as simple as it sounds. Anything you can construe as an educational expense allows you to use that money tax free! Use it for school lunches. Use it for tuition. Use the money for school clothes or a new computer for the home that the child will be using for school. Use it for field trips. And the list goes on.

#7. Rather than just being used for higher education, the ESA can be used beginning at kindergarten and continuing through schooling up through the age of 30.

So, I hope you all paid close attention because anyone saving for their children in any other way is doing them a disservice. You'll get 2 to 3 to 4 to even more times the money in an ESA than in a savings account. It will even earn more than a lot of CDs and you'll have no terms to wait for and you'll never pay taxes on a cent of the money if used for educational purposes! It really is as easy and as awesome as it sounds. It's strange to me that it has remained so unknown. So next time you think of turning to the savings account or the piggy bank, think again. There is a lot you can do for your children, and there is a lot you can do for them that's a lot better than what a lot of the world is doing. That's a lot of lots.

Do Not Rush Past the Fleeting Moments

2009-01-27T13:29:00.001-05:00

I know this is a recurring subject in my posts, but take comfort in knowing that I don't write about it on the blog nearly as often as it comes to my mind. Maybe I think about this so much lately because I, personally, need to assimilate the quality into my character. But maybe I'm not the only person who could do better in this area. And so I post again about enjoying the moments of today. I'm sure we all have things we look forward to in the future and that is good. It's good to have goals and to work for them, but we shouldn't let reaching for higher heights take over the enjoyment of the present. Of course there will be wondeful things to come if we are actively working for them, but we will inevitably leave other wonderful things behind, so we must learn to savor the experiences of today.

“The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less”(Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).

This is Anna Quindlen, but I actually found her quote here, which is a fabulous read if you're looking for one.

Nurturing at Mealtime

2009-01-24T13:09:00.001-05:00

Most people like to eat. All people have to eat. Parents have to provide food for their children. The general consensus is: sitting down for meals together is good for more than just maintaining physical well being, but do we give it much more thought beyond get food on the table, get people to the table, make sure everyone eats the food? Honestly, that's how I feel most of the time. So, today I'd like to talk about making mealtime more meaningful (and I don't mean preparing mutiple course meals every night. Hear me out).

Julie B. Beck once wrote:

A good nurturer carries power and influence. The Latin word nutrire, from which the English word nurture originates, means "to suckle or nourish," or, in the full interpretation, "to feed, foster, care for, or rear." True power is found in the hands of a worthy nurturer, especially at mealtimes.

As a young mother I did not fully understand my power as a nurturer. Though we were a busy family, I considered everyone's presence at dinnertime nonnegotiable. It was our most consistent gathering time, and everyone planned to eat together before going on to other activities.

I learned of the influence of my nurturing when our youngest daughter wrote in a college paper: "Dinner in our home was not just an eating ritual, but a special time for the family to communicate and to share our thoughts and stories of the day. … We often sat together for over an hour as we savored the conversation as much as the food."

I thought I was just cooking casseroles and soup. But I had created the venue, the reason to gather. Because I prepared a meal to share with my family, something special happened. It was a simple process, and our style changed with the ages of our children. When they were young we could discuss a picture.... When they were older we asked more questions and shared experiences. Over the years our children grew and matured, and we loved each other.

Mothers, who are "primarily responsible for the nurture of their children," can be a powerful force for strengthening families when they use mealtimes to gather loved ones. (Ensign, December 2005)

Though I do believe that mothers are primarily responsible for this, I'd like to point out that it doesn't say she is solely responsible. Perhaps she is the one to prepare the meal and thereby "create the venue", but everyone can and should participate (more than just shoveling the food). This participation is what can make your mealtimes successful. Having said that, take this week to try it out:

Make Your Meals a Time for Nurturing

Think or talk with other family members about ways your family could make meals a time for nurturing. (This could be a subject in Family Council!) Think about the way your meals are right now and imagine what they could be with a little fixing. Perhaps this means you need to start having meals together. If you already do this it could mean inventing ways to have a meaningful experience. Maybe this means turning off the television. Consider who you are trying to nurture. If you have children, they are probably your primary target. What could you do to make mealtime more enjoyable for them? In my home, mealtime can end up feeling more like a war than a time for fostering loving relationships. So personally, I'd like to come up with a way to make sure everyone is eating, but also enjoying time spent together. If it you have older children or no children, it could mean coming to dinner with something to talk about. Think about it beforehand. That way you won't be tempted to sit down and have the same dead-end conversations:
--"How was your day?"
--"Fine."
--"Do anything special?"
--"Nope"
--crunch crunch--gulp gulp--

Some ideas:

use music to create an environment

make the table look nice or nicer (so everyone will start to think of daily meals as a special time)

with little kids, display a new picture or object to look at and talk about

invite a visitor into your home for dinner

create a jar of conversation ideas

come with jokes to tell

have a different family member be in charge of the subject of conversation each night

discuss world events (this requires being current with the news)

tell stories (real-life, personal, fictitious, hilarious, family history, inspirational, or whatever else)

improve the food you eat

have children help prepare the food when appropriate (this also helps them want to eat it)

require everyone to stay until the meal is finished (recognize that the meal isn't over until everyone is done)

share the load of cleaning up afterwards

practice showing gratitude to those who prepared the food

have a theme to your meal

eat your meal somewhere different (on the floor in the living room, in your tree fort, at the local park, at the picnic table on your porch)

play a game during the meal (one that doesn't require much more than your minds)

The Family Garden Part 1: Getting Started

2009-01-20T22:30:00.002-05:00

Just so it be known, next Wednesday we will talk again about family finances and focus on the best plan for saving money for your kids. You don't want to miss it because it is little known and oh so worth the effort.

But getting on with today,

If you'd like to try your hand at growing some of your own food or flowers this coming spring/summer/fall, but haven't given it much thought yet, there's never a better time to start than now.

Having a family garden can offer a lot of different benefits to your family.

1. It allows you to save some $$$ when it comes time to shop because fresh fruits and vegetables can be among the most expensive things on the menu.
2. It fosters a feeling of self-reliance because you've learned to do something that 50% of the world probably can't do. In the case of emergency, you know what to do (at least in part).
3. It offers you the chance to work together on something as a family (unfortunately quite a foreign concept in much of the world today) and is a perfect vehicle for teaching all members the value of hard work and reaping what you've sown--now this is much easier in word than practice. Everyone involved has to feel like it's their garden too. Not just that it's mom's or dad's and the rest are being forced to work in it. It needs to be everyone's garden.

But anyways, this post is about preparation rather than practice.

The first thing to do is determine where you would like to place your garden. How much room do you have there? How much sunlight does it get? If it's inside in buckets/pots (or even outside in them) how deep are your pots? All these things will help you determine both the quantity you can plant and exactly what you'll be able to plant given the conditions you can offer the plant. Just like a pet dog wouldn't be much of a pet if kept in a shoebox all day, you need to offer your plants just what they need if you want them to offer back the best they have.

Second decide what it is that you use the most because that is what will be the most beneficial for you to plant. If you don't eat carrots don't plant them. Don't even plant them in the hope that you'll eat them (unless you have a large space for gardening -- enough to waste some) because you don't want to take up room that you could be using to grow things you'd typically eat.

Third, draw out a plan of where you'll plant everything. You're gonna need to know come gardening time.

Fourth, find out about each plant. You don't need to know everything, but a quick google search will tell you how deep the ground needs to be, what kind of sun/water they'll need, and how to best grow them. Be sure to pay attention to the height of the plants. Don't plant something that needs lots of sun next to a plant that is growing to shoot up and drop the sun lover into the shade.

Five, if you've given yourself enough time you can get the cheapest seeds by ordering them online, so start looking now.

Sixth and final, begin saving food scraps and building up a compost. This will provide you some free fertilizer (friends who own horses could probably provide you with some good fertilizer too).

A family garden, regardless the size, can include a lot more preparation, but this is a good start (especially if you've never gardened before). If you're skeptical, we really encourage you to try planting just one thing in either a pot or the ground. Try carrots, or strawberries, or onions, or something. It will only take a little work from you and then see how you feel about it when you know that the food you're eating was homegrown and picked yourself rather than foreign grown and picked by Enrique in some factory out in the jungle. There's so much that's good about a family garden, but my wife tells me I'm long winded so we'll end it here for today. Take care all.

People Respond to the Little Things

2009-01-19T10:41:00.001-05:00

I came across the blog of an artist and I was just scrolling down the page, looking at his paintings, which were good, but really of no consequence to me. Then there was a short break in the paintings for a few sketches, which were still of little consequence to me, but the last one (that I got to) caught my attention. It was a sketch of man and above him was scrawled his (I assume) name: Bill Strickland. Under his name, the artist had written:

ENVIRONMENT SHAPES BEHAVIOR.

people respond to the little things.

beautiful things - flowers-

The artist explained in his post that he was at a conference (for artists) and this guy, Bill Strickland presented the closing remarks, which were received with a standing ovation from a crowd of designers. So, the guy must have been inspiring. I felt inspired just by the notes this artist took (and the lovely sketch of Bill). I don't know what it meant to the artist and the way he painted, but I know what it means to me as a mother and wife and I don't take it to mean that I need to rearrange the furniture. To me, it means even the smallest improvement in our surroundings will shape my family for the better, whether it's the music we play, a fresh coat of paint, being more organized, or cleaning the kitchen more consistently. I think it's a reminder that I'll always come back to: environment shapes behavior and people respond to the little things. To me it says, "You can affect change in others, even by doing little things!"

P.S. If you're interested in this artist, you can find him at http://paulferney.blogspot.com

Draw Yourself Yours

2009-01-19T09:43:00.001-05:00

Decorating your traced body is a fun activity for people of all ages. If this activity is done once a year or so for your children, it can be fun to hang up their past tracings and let them notice how tall they're getting, how funny their decorating job was when they were 3, or how their interests have changed over the years.

Materials:

Craft Paper (It's sometimes referred to a butcher paper too) This comes in a roll. I found my most recent roll at Michael's for under $5. One roll is enough to trace two adults and a child, or 4-5 children.

A Pencil

Scissors

Your choice of decorating medium: crayons, markers, stickers, colored paper, ribbons, cloth, yarn, anything you can think of.

Instructions:

Roll out the craft paper on the carpet-less floor (preferably a clean floor). You need to roll out and cut enough paper for the person you're tracing to lay on.

This person should lay on his or her back and arrange their limbs flat on the paper in a position that they would like to have traced (and one that doesn't make impossible to be traced). For example, if you're son likes to play football, perhaps he'd like to be traced "throwing" (but he can draw or glue on a ball later).

A little hint about the feet: In my experience, these come out looking like they got caught in a food processor if you aren't careful. I would advise laying the persons foot to the side and flat when you get to this part. Just try to be aware of what the feet are looking like as you trace them and have an eraser handy, unless you are going for the stuck-my-foot-in-a-blender look.

The last step is to decorate. Draw or glue clothes on, add objects that are special to that person, glue on hair, add accessories. This part is really up to the decorator.

If you have the wall space somewhere, proudly display your tracings.

Family Goals Part 2 of 2

2009-01-18T11:30:00.001-05:00

Building on what we mentioned yesterday, a family is not a Family without goals. So as you’ve spent some time thinking about your own Family, what did you discover? Do you have goals set? Are you together striving for something? Or do you remain a house full of people living together, all with different intents (or worse, no intent at all)?
Whatever your answer to the above questions, now is never too late a time to begin setting a path for your family.

--Now, let us be clear that the path a Family travels has to be a community consensus and effort. Do not think that any one individual can set goals for the entirety of the Family. An individual sets goals only for the individual. Only together, as a united voice, can the direction of the Family truly be set.--

So step 1 in establishing a direction for your family is to call a Family Council (click the link here to revisit last Sunday’s post about organizing a Family Council). Everyone needs to be asked for input. Don’t immediately call everyone together, however, and ask for the family’s direction to be determined. That’s like waking someone--let’s say me--up in the middle of the night and asking for directions to some place I’ve never been. The result would be mainly useless and unintelligible vocal strainings with some vague hand gestures thrown in, and the appearance of the participants--myself again--would be less than enthused and more than exhausted. So call the Family together and let everyone know that you’d like to establish some goals/destinations for the Family. Let them know that you are meant for great accomplishments as a Family, but that they’ll only be realized collectively. Then let everyone ponder on this and set a time and date when you will meet together again.
Step 2 is to meet together again. Now some may come with ideas written down, some may come with ideas in their head, some may come and you’ll just be happy they came, but however their preparation, the fact alone that notice was given carries a lot of weight in establishing unity in the home and showing that everyone’s opinions are valued equally. Make sure that when you meet there are no distractions. Turn off the TV or loud music, or any other function in the home. Here you have met to focus and determine where your Family is headed and how you’ll get there--a hurdler can hardly prepare for his next track meet by standing on the track and watching TV.
Have paper and pens ready for any without and distribute them so that everyone has the wherewithal to follow along and take notes that may be of interest to them. Again this is a token to encourage participation and also to show how seriously these goals are to be taken.
Step 3 is to discuss everyone’s ideas of how your Family can rise to great heights. Be sure that you encourage everyone in their individual goals, but keep a wary eye and ear out so that you focus on goals for the Family as a collective and not a lot of separate individual goals. Let the ideas fly. Don’t say no to anything, just write everything down and keep going until everyone has exhausted everything they have brought. Once it’s all out there, then move on to Step 4.
Step 4. Begin to tailor the ideas that have been given. Combine ideas that are similar and really sift the ideas down to their essentials.
--All goal setting is really a matter of a few essentials anyways. When we set goals we are really setting one great goal for different aspects of our lives (vacation, hobbies, education, vocation, home, spiritual, etc) and then determining upon a number of smaller goals to get us there. In this way our small goals lead us to crest our ‘mountain’s top’ and then realize that what was our great goal has now become a realized step toward an even greater goal.--
You are herein determining where the most important places are for your Family to go. I don’t begin to presume I know what is best or what each family needs. Ours are ideas only and we hope that they may help some few people. We have goals, but we do not expect them to be anyone else’s. So freely decide what, for the present, is most important for you as a family. It is probably best to find a few goals that everyone can agree on. By doing this you make it easier for your Family to strive toward these goals rather than spreading yourselves too thin by trying to accomplish too much.
Step 5. Make sure everyone has agreed on the list and then announce them. Make a formal declarative reminder to everyone that these are the things we’ve determined (for the present) are the destinations we will be striving to reach. Allow this to be a time to thank all the participants and help everyone feel valued and contributory.
Step 6. Write the goals down. If you’re not going to make the effort to officially record the goals anywhere then you might as well forget about them. Without such a small effort as this would require, the greater effort required to accomplish the goals is certainly outside any realm of possibility. A goal that goes without being written down is nothing more than a fanciful wish and will only be accomplished as a wish (by chance and genie).
Step 7. Provide a copy of the goals to everyone. What they do with those copies will be up to them, but then make sure that the goals are also posted in places where they can be seen and remembered. The fridge seems a frequented enough location in every home.
Step 8. Meet together often to discuss your progress and to set smaller ‘stepping stone’ goals to help you achieve the greater goals. As I mentioned before, we strive for great things, but achieve them through small and simple means.

Take this all, please, with a grain of salt. We don’t know a lot about goals, but we have been trying to profit from them, and we find them an essential step in realizing the greatness of a Family. Otherwise, when we do find ourselves plugging along with no real goals, we realize life is much more tedious and much less inspired than when we all work together for something great. Now I bid you adieu, for my 2 year old is currently striving for something great on his own--the cookie jar on top of the counter!

Family Goals 1 of 2

2009-01-17T08:49:00.001-05:00

There is a word in the dictionary that comes about 187 pages in, and can be found sandwiched between famliarize and family planning. You can have the following blank space of time to go find out what it is, or simply proceed to the latter end of the blank and I’ll tell you.………………………………………………………………............................................................................
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….........

Okay, you ready? The word is: Family!
Now there’s a reason that we have need of this particular term, family. If you were to simply take me, my wife, and my children all you’d have is a house full of people living together. The very fact that we have an extra term for me, my wife, and my children testifies to what we already know: The whole is more than the sum of its parts. Family is something greater than just me, my wife, and my children. We’ll have to deconstruct this quickly before we can continue to my main point:

A family cannot simply mean blood relatives because adoption qualifies for family. Nor can family mean those living under one roof, for my roommates in college were never my family, all-the-while my parents who lived 12 hours away continued to be. Could family possibly be so simple as a unit in which the characters of Father, Mother, and children have been designated? Again a household of these characters, albeit identified, is merely a house full of people going by different titles. Do certain functions of those characters define family? As if anyone could engineer a family robotically? I hardly think so. While the dictionary does a mighty job in recognizing Family, it finally fails to really grasp its profundity. So what does Family refer to? Why do you feel that your family is more than the simple definitions herein recited?

Family is a choice you make.
Let that sink in.
Family is a choice you make, and you must make it every day.

Now doesn’t that sound a little closer to the truth than those other definitions? I think it does, and I think I enjoy it because (well other than the fact that it just rings true in my heart) it honors the work that I put into my Family. It means family is more than an accident, or more than something that can be built out of pieces and then left there like some model airplane to adore. Family only remains Family according to the choices we make everyday. Family is about something greater than each of us as individuals. Family is going great places. There is something about Family that seems to whisper “this is life’s pinnacle.”
I have no great transition here, so I’m just going to say it: Because Family is a choice, Family infers goal setting. To this end I request allowance to relate a little analogy.
Imagine a man aimlessly wandering around a bar (if you don’t frequent bars—I don’t—I’m sure you’ve seen movies where the characters frequent bars and you can imagine the man wandering around that bar. Why not that lovely bar from Cheers!). In this man’s hand is a collection of darts. At various intervals he throws the darts. He throws them all over, in every direction. Naturally we’d think he was crazy, but more than that we’d see a man spending a lot of his energy achieving nothing. Every now and again he would pass by the dartboard (because from every movie I’ve seen, bars always have dartboards), and so every now and again he might successfully hit the target and score some points. The majority of the time, however, he’s throwing into the air and getting nothing for it other than tired.
Now if that same man will face the dartboard and throw, consistently focusing on that dartboard, he’s much more likely to hit it. What’s more, he’ll get better at hitting it the more he focuses and the more he tries. Eventually he will throw bullseyes the majority of the time.
The result of goal setting is a near mirror image of the analogy. If we have no goals, then our actions are not intended for anything. We’re wandering around life throwing our efforts aimlessly and getting nothing but tired. Sure every now and again we may realize something great, albeit unintentionally, but it will never be as great as it could have been had we focused. Rather than being followed by more success, we will find ourselves once again hitting dead air, tiring out on our walk around this bar called life.
If we wander around our homes with no real goals for our family, then we’ll feel tired most of the time. Every now and again we’ll strike upon some elation that reminds us why family is great, but the elation will quickly pass into mist and darkness, fatigue and malcontent. Family is either a blessing or a burdening house full of people; it has to be one or the other and we have to make that choice ourselves.
So ask yourself, are there goals for your family? Are you consciously determining that your family will be more than just a houseful of people pursuing different ends, all living together. Just think about the necessity of goals in family life and tomorrow we’ll give you all of our thoughts about goal setting in the family.

Friday's Family

2009-01-16T03:00:00.001-05:00

I met them almost 5 years ago.

--Not sure why I was nervous to meet them.

From the very beginning, even though it was early in the morning after a long drive up I-15 with a car full of college boys (what was it? 4am?) I found my link to this family more than pleasurable.

There were 8 of them then. They've almost doubled in size since. But something almost magical pulls in each member and new member alike, holding them tightly together.

Maybe it's the sheer number of them. Maybe it's the conglomeration of particularly pleasing personalities. Maybe it's the fact that they have a real knack for croquet. Whatever it is, they have fun.

You'll find at the helm 2 devoted parents -somewhat sentimental, very thoughtful, and always aware of their children. They have made many sacrifices for their children, but I wonder if they ever saw any of it as sacrifice. The reward: children who think the world of their mom and dad.

I've been struck by how much their life as a family is molded by traditions... really good traditions (probably explains why they're such a good family). A lot of traditions are solely for enjoyment, even the memory of which brings a smile (ask my husband). Others are for the social, mental, spiritual, and physical shaping and strengthening of all involved. The result: 6 caring, kind, faithful children-turned adults.

Perhaps it was unwise to begin this Friday tradition with a family of this caliber- could be difficult to find another. I'm sure we will find a lovely family for next Friday, but this family is special to me. They are one of my prime examples for how I'd like my family to be. I feel blessed to have been pulled into their circle. Meet Doug and Cheryl and their family:

My Questions/Cheryl's Answers:

How would you introduce your family to a stranger?

This is surprisingly a hard one to answer. I guess for me, our family just is. We’re the Mitchell’s, all eight of us and now we’ve added in-laws and grandchildren. But if someone were to ask me to describe who we are I’d answer this way. We are all so very different, starting with the parents. Here are two people who if they had signed up on one of those idiotic computer dating systems, would never have been matched up. Doug is quiet, reflective, laid back and very, very calm. Thank goodness, because Cheryl is noisy, stubborn, tense and not very calm at all. And yet it has worked for over 28 years. And then we added children to our gang. First came Patrick, dark haired and brown-eyed. People often told us he would have made a beautiful girl. Sorry about that, Patrick. He was the perfect first child because he was so easy to get along with and didn’t mind that he had two untrained adults taking care of him. And then along came Jordan, red haired and blue-eyed. I always had the feeling that people thought Patrick was mine from a first marriage because he so didn’t look like his dad as Jordan did. Jordan has the tenderest heart and would give you the shirt off his back. And he always looked up to his big brother. Then we got our beautiful daughters Rebekkah and Maran. Becky has brown hair and blue eyes and Maran is a brunette with brown eyes. Rebekkah was named from the Old Testament but since we didn’t have a bible in the hospital, we mistakenly gave her 2 k’s in her name. But we like this version of the name. And Maran was named after a character in a book I had read years before she was born. My favorite story about her name was a middle school teacher who had so much trouble remembering how to pronounce it that he told her he was going to call her ‘Marinated chicken’. After awhile he cut out the chicken and then finally he could call her just Maran. Zach is our fifth child and he also has red hair and brown eyes. He also has the most incredible sense of humor. He is a quiet boy but when he zings you, you know you’ve been zinged by the best. Brady is what I call our changeling child. He looks like no one in the immediate family! He has strawberry blonde hair and hazel eyes. Brady also has been gifted with math skills that continue to amaze us. Our family doctor once told us that our family totally threw Mendel’s theory about inheriting traits from our parent’s right out the window!

What makes your family unique?

I guess the differences I listed above could qualify for what makes us unique. And I guess the fact that Doug and I are still married after 28 years is also unique. Many of our children’s school friends are in blended families. And also the fact that our children have lived in only 2 homes while they were growing up is quite unique in this transient world. Brady told me that his friends are amazed that he has only lived in one home all his life. Some people might call us boring but I prefer to call it stable! Another thing I just thought of is that although Doug and I are both right-handed we have 3 left-handed children! That’s pretty unique. And the fact that our entire family really, really, really loves the movie ‘Scared Stiff’ with Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin. That is definitely unique.

What are some things your family likes to do together?

This has changed over the years as our family grew. Now we like to play card games and watch movies in the family room. When the kids were younger we (meaning Doug and I) loved to watch our children interact. They were so funny and did such great things. We have a video of the 3 oldest using tennis rackets as guitars and singing along to Johnny-Be-Good! This video is a priceless treasure in our home! As is the video of the 3 youngest joyfully jumping off the table until Brady decided to break his fall with his face! We also went camping as a family. That was always interesting. But we never lost anyone and we never got poison ivy! Yeah!

What are your family’s favorite traditions?

We have a lot of traditions that have evolved over the years. On Labor Day we always drive up to Mount Spokane and have a picnic and then go to the top from where you can view over 10 different lakes. There was always a hike involved and climbing on fallen trees. We also went to Finch Arboretum every year for a picnic and pping pong ball races down the creek. When the kids were younger we’d bring their swimsuits and they’d get right in the creek. Around Christmas there are many traditions. We pick a night, buy doughnuts, and put cocoa in thermos’ and go look at Christmas lights. We also have a Christmas jar that we put our spare change in every year and after Thanksgiving we go buy a tree and then go out to dinner. The kids loved that. When the kids were younger they would put on the Nativity story for our neighbors. They were adorable and noisy and it was great. We also have Christmas Eve traditions that we love. There is of course the reading of the Christmas story out of Luke. Then the kids would play the movie game. Doug or I would have wrapped a new movie in newspaper multiple times, and I mean many layers of newspaper. Then the children would sit on the floor in a circle. They would take turns rolling two dice until someone rolled doubles. That person would then put on two oven mitts and using two butter knives would proceed to try to rip the paper off the movie. They would continue until someone else rolled doubles. Every year it seemed someone was cursed and couldn’t get doubles to save their lives. This happened to Maran a lot. You can tell what movies were Christmas Eve movies by the scratches on their covers! The children were also allowed to open one gift on Christmas Eve. I have a feeling that a lot of package shaking went on before hand so that they knew for sure what gift they wanted to open. We started another tradition about 8 years ago where we have a special Christmas Eve-Eve Event. This means all the family brings sleeping bags and pillows out to the Christmas Tree and settles around the tree. We then have a Muppet Marathon where we watch Muppets in Space, Muppet Treasure Island and Muppet Christmas Carol, one after another. I would like to go on record that I have stayed up for all three movies 2 years in a row. Another family tradition involves my extended family in that we always went to my Mom’s or everyone came to our house. This happened at Thanksgiving and at Christmas so that our children actually are aware of whom their cousins and aunts and uncles are, which I think is a great tradition.

What are your family’s favorite meals or just things to eat?

Our family has many favorite meals. Doug came up with what he termed ‘Dad’s Casserole’ that he served the children when I was gone. It includes macaroni, hamburger, and corn and tomato sauce. The kids love it, I am skeptical! They also love spaghetti and meatballs. This is Zach’s favorite and I try to serve it at least once when he’s home. A traditional Thanksgiving snack is meat, cheese slices and Chicken in a Biscuit crackers. The boys can empty a box in one sitting. For Christmas we have to have Peanut Chewies, No-Bakes, Peanut Butter Bon-Bons, Snicker doodles and Ginger Snaps. New Year’s Eve has to include 7-layer dip, peanut butter popcorn and little smokies in a special sauce. Christmas morning I make potato latkes for anyone who will eat them, while the rest eat cold cereal. I brought this tradition from my home where my dad would make the latkes for us until we felt that we would literally burst! My dad isn’t Jewish, but latkes are a part of my heritage now.

What are your family’s favorite places?

Because we did camp a lot I think that Zion’s Camp north of Spokane was a favorite place. It was rustic, had a creek, and lots of space to roam without losing anyone! And at night when you looked up into the sky you could see a sky full of stars. We camped there a lot with our family and with our old ward.
We also love Riverside State park. In just a few minutes drive from our home you can be in a state park along a river with walking paths and trees that seem to go on forever. It’s a great camping area and perfect for day hikes.
I think for our family we also loved our backyard because it opened onto a park and included a wooded gulley area full of trees and bushes great for hiding and playing. During the winter it was the perfect place to go sledding without me worrying about too steep of a hill. We hold all our Easter egg hunts in it and had many a birthday scavenger hunt as well. Our backyard also includes a playhouse for our girls and a fort over a sandbox for our boys. We loved our backyard and have many videos of the kids playing and running and yelling and enjoying themselves there.

What are some challenges your family has experienced and what helped in getting through them?

Our first major challenge was putting Doug through college after already starting our family. He worked full time and went to school at night full time. We were short on time and money but we knew it would pay off in the end. And I truly believe that his example of sticking to it is the reason all our children have set goals to graduate from college. Doug was also serving in time consuming church capacities but we made it nonetheless!
We have also experienced a couple of unemployment challenges in the past due to economic conditions. Unemployment is very hard to endure because it is something that is totally out of your control. But Doug was one of those men who truly made looking for a new job a full-time commitment. And because we had our food storage on hand we never went without. I guess the roughest patch was during Becky’s birthday and we realized that all we could afford to buy her was a Barbie doll. That was tough. But we didn’t fall apart and we didn’t let it hurt our marriage. I tell people that our unemployment challenges were a binding element for our marriage. It wasn’t easy and we didn’t like it but we got through it.

What are some hopes/plans/goals for the future of your family?

Our major hope is to have all our families get together again soon. We want to see our grandsons again and visit and go camping and eat chocolate chip cookies and watch family videos and remind one another of funny moments. Doug and I have a goal to get completely out of debt so that we are able to help our children and their families more. And we have hopes that all our children will marry in the temple, serve missions and stay close to the Savior. That would be perfection on earth.

A Little Extra from Cheryl:

Although I know every mother thinks this, I know that Heavenly Father gave me 6 of the most choice spirits in heaven. They are sweet, funny, kind, giving, smart and wonderful children. And good-looking, that goes without saying!
I had a few extra thoughts about our family that I wanted to send. This is about the additions to our family, namely in-laws. We look forward to getting to know our son-in-law Devin better through the years, but I wanted to say a few words about our daughter-in-laws.
As a mother of four sons I often thought about the girls our boys would one day bring home and introduce to us as 'that special one'. I have to say that we couldn't have asked for better wives to our oldest sons and mothers to our grandchildren. Each has gifts and talents that amaze and delight me. They are incredible mothers who adore and cherish their children and their roles as mothers. I love that! They also love and cherish my boys and for that I thank my Father in Heaven. They are also strong women of faith and they each have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I willingly entrust to them my sons who also love and adore their wives. Life may not be easy for them and indeed both couples have already gone through trials and hardships, but with their wives and families they will do just fine, thank you!

Three Things

2009-01-15T07:16:00.001-05:00

1. You can't prove God exists.
2. You can't prove that the joys of marriage are more than the emotion of courtship.
3. You can't prove that a family is the greatest blessing in the world.

But if you know that these things are true, then a lack of palpable evidence does not invalidate your convictions. Evidence is preferred by the masses, but it is not a requirement for truth. A simple lack of evidence did not negate the existence of the atom, nor of individual blood cells. They have always existed, but we now have evidence for the world to see, so the world accepts.
Now, I have not written this to tell anyone that they are right or wrong, but rather as an observation that I've recently run into. Yes, I have a personal conviction of God, but that does not mean that I expect the same from anyone else. I glory in our individual freedom to choose and to believe that which we will. I move on, however, to assume that those frequenting this site are those interested in the joys of the family and of marriage. To that end I will speak as if any contrary opinions are less valid.
The main incidence that drove me to this realization (the incidence then let me out and kept driving, and I've been musing here ever since) was a conversation I had with one of my coworkers. We are pretty good friends and have a lot in common. We can talk at lengths about our ambitions for greater things, and about our similar criticisms of the world of music. I, however, am a boy with a family. He is a gentleman on the cusp of getting married with no immediate plans for enlarging the couple. --Now again, there is nothing wrong with just being a couple. There is never a 3 or 4 or so on until you first put 1 and 1 together and get that couple.-- So he and I were catching up one day, just shooting the breeze and talking about what we'd been doing. Everything he told me about I could relate to: eating great food, hanging with friends (though with two little kids I can relate to this less and less sadly), recent films he'd seen, what was going on in his department at work, wedding plans, etc. I had a great time listening and we laughed as he related funny stories. The realization then came when I told him about my wild adventures: cleaning up a lot of good food that had been thrown on the floor, hanging out with one toddler and an infant (sounds like a campy sitcom), recent episodes of Curious George I'd seen, what was going on in my department at work, babysitting plans, etc. Rather than the merriment and laughter we'd had before, I was the only one laughing. It was kind of awkward and my side of the conversation didn't last long because I realized that the joy of family life is transcendent. It's not an understanding that can be passed horizontally from one to another. If you don't have children or aren't anxious to have them, it's difficult to understand what the rest of us 'crazies' must see in it. I have no evidence to provide for its joys. I have a lot of crayon drawings on the wall, diapers, late nights, etc... but if I weren't a part of this family I don't know that I would understand it either. My family is one of my greatest joys, but I have no way of explaining that or truly communicating it. If you're there, then you know what I'm talking about. But those standing outside the box who are only ever willing to look in, can only see bits and pieces as they move from peephole to peephole. Family is so much greater than the bits and pieces you can relate. So that was my realization, and I love my family. I love my friend too, he's great, and hey . . . he led me to a great realization. I'll have to tell him.

As for what I alluded to with marriage and the emotion of courtship. It's just that I had another realization (I may have had something other than a realization, but with my limited diction it's hard to say--thesaurus?). All movies and songs and music videos, etc. (with a few rare exceptions) like--no love--relating those moments of high emotional love. They talk of courtship, or great dramatic breakups, or reunions, or losses, or anything and everything else that makes our hearts well up within us. They can hardly be faulted, however, because the everyday characteristics of love and marriage are hardly communicable. Again, the knowledge that a marriage is so much more than that emotion alone is transcendent; it is communicated vertically from some higher place rather than crossways from person to person. How much fun would it be to watch a dramatic movie about a couple planning, budgeting, saving, shopping, and finally going on vacation together? Not quite Titanic huh?
I mean I wouldn't even be that interested in watching a play by play of anyone's marriage. The joy of marriage is personal, but I repeat that it is more than the emotion alone. Too many divorces occur because a couple finds that those emotional highs aren't quite what they were before. C.S. Lewis explains it simply this way: (I'm not directly quoting by-the-way, merely summarizing): you don't put food in your mouth, savor the flavor, and then spit it out if the flavor dissipates. Such an action would be an abomination. You wouldn't last long. Eating is so much more than just the joy of flavor. It is the joy of energy. It is the joy of strength. It is a great many things, including work. All the same, we would never think of spitting out that food after the initial flavor is gone. We enjoy the energy it provides and enjoy the flavor again the next time we eat. Crudely, thus is marriage. The emotion of courtship is but the tip of the iceberg and we unfortunately miss out on the greatest relationship life offers if we keep giving up when that emotion is gone (just as we'd fall over stone dead if we stopped eating just because the food made us sick once).
But what am I saying, none of this can really be communicated crossways anyways right? If you know it, you know it.

Getting More From Your Money: Part 1

2009-01-14T03:10:00.001-05:00

I think our family is on par with a majority of the world in not having much money. At all. Period.

So, obviously, we know quite a bit about doing a lot with a little. Too often our outlook at saving our money is focused on retirement only. Well, retirement accounts are great, but what about the here and now. If I didn't have to worry about money until I retired that would be perfect (and then I'd retire right now), but I do need to worry about it now and how we'll afford vacation next year. So how can anyone see to it that they get the most out of their money?

The best place to begin making wise investment choices is with the basic savings/checking account that has all your money in it right now. Yes, you may ultimately wish to invest a majority of your excess(for those of you who ever have excess, the only excess I've got is around the waist), but everyone will always need money that can be accessed readily and that money will always be found in a savings/checking account. So--is your money in the account that offers you the most for your money? or are you where you've always been for no better reason than it's just where you've always been(don't feel bad if you are, I've come to find that 95% of all people fit the latter)?

Chances are if your money is just sitting in the bank or Credit Union that you've always used, then you could probably do better. So start checking around. This can be done in a simple online search. Look up each of the financial institutions in your area. Check their interest rates, account requirements, service charges, freebies for meeting certain qualifications, etc. When you've found some that really sound good to you, the next step is to call in and ask questions. It's not possible to cover every benefit or every charge/fee in one online site, so you'll find that calling the institutions that you find worth a 'step 2' will provide you with clearer, more precise information.

To give you an idea of what you could be missing out on I'll use our town as an example. The financial institution at which we bank is the only one in town that offers service charge free accounts. There really is no minimum balance and no service charge for our basic accounts (this is a rarity anywhere in the country). At most other institutions (perhaps yours as well) the only way to avoid charges each month is to meet certain balance and other requirements. Also, most checking accounts earn no interest until insane balances are kept in the account, and then for your average of $5000 you will earn like .05% or .1% interest. Our basic checking (remember with no service charge at all) earns interest anytime the average balance for that month is over $200. So if you're below that, it's still a free account, but if it's over that $200 you earn .25% interest. That may not seem like a lot, but it's huge for a checking account and it's offered no strings attached by our financial institution.

You may be led to the conclusion that ours must be the most successful financial institution in the area . . . that would be true, BUT there are still a lot of people who do not use ours as their financial institution and the main excuse I hear is that they've had their current account forever and aren't willing to change. So, because they like to travel in ruts (because that's what you're in if you've no better excuse for where you are than tradition), people are willing to earn less with their money, or are even willing to pay their financial institution!! numerous fees and ultimately lose more than they gain! If that's your excuse(and I'll admit some ruts can be scenic), so be it. I can't make anybody better their situation, but I will make it clear that in almost every case it is possible to get more for your money with a minimal amount of work--if you want to.

So start shopping around. It could be the difference of $100 or more a year in free-to-spend money.

Now, a new option that large banks have started to offer is online savings accounts. These accounts function like any other savings account (they're equally federally insured so you'll never lose your money) but everything is done online. Every transaction, even the opening of the account, is all done online. This adds ease to transacting on and managing your account. Best of all, these accounts usually offer very high interest earnings. When I opened mine a year ago it offered 4% for a no strings attached account! On top of that it offered interest each month so long as the average balance was at least $1!!! You can't beat that. Now, after the economy has slipped a little (or has it done a complete slip-trip-belly flop onto pavement?), we're still earning over 3% on that account while most savings accounts are earning less than 1% if they earn anything.

So we went from averaging $20 or so a year in interest to nearly $100 in interest alone. On top of that we get all of our checks printed for free, have no charges for debit card use, etc. All this because we did a little work. So the options are out there. The more you have, the more these little ventures could earn you. We're a family of 4 living on a salary of 1, so if you're any better off than that, you could be earning that much more with your family's money.

Another Secret

2009-01-13T15:11:00.002-05:00

I told Patrick that I wanted to post about thinking positively. He was quick to relate my idea to the most recent you-are-what-you-think trend. "You mean The Secret?" he asked sardonically. But that's not what I meant at all (though in the long run, I'll admit to some similarities). The Secret is for people who want more than they currently have from life. I'm talking about having the kind of perspective on life that allows for happiness today, no matter your circumstance. Sometimes it means taking a step back to regroup. I have to do this when I find myself going into Survival Mode; when everything becomes a checklist and I forget to savor the moments that are meant to be enjoyed. Though most people have to work at being happy, the effort is worth the result. Happy people get more done, experience more, laugh more, are more healthy, help other people, love more, have lots of fun, and aren't so hard on themselves. Being happy is a quality. And it's one that is apparent to other people, probably most apparent to our children.

Currently, my example of optimism is Marjorie Hinckley. I've been engrossed in the biography of her husband this week and one of the most striking lessons I've learned from the two of them is the importance of loving life now (and not waiting for retirement). So, I leave you with one of many excerpts from the book on this subject:

Life in the Hinckley home was rarely monotonous, often lighthearted, and almost always noisy. On October 30, 1947, Marjorie and Gordon were blessed with their fourth child and second son, Clark Bryant. Now the mother of two boys and two girls, Marjorie couldn't imagine being any happier with her lot in life. The demands of rearing children seemed to energize rather than discourage her. Though she was often left to manage her brood alone while Gordon attended to his responsibilities.... she was comfortable with his stewardship and happy about hers. (from The Biography of Gordon B. Hinckley: Go forward with Faith, by Sheri L. Dew, page 140)

Camping on the Inside

2009-01-12T03:01:00.001-05:00

Not everyone is a fan of camping. To them I say, "Nobody's perfect."

A shut-in campout can be a great alternative in a family of mixed interests or in the middle of winter when it can be too cold for many-a-camper to go out. Of course, a shut-in campout is really a good idea any time whether you like camping or not, and whether it's the middle of winter or the middle of summer, because it's a simple way to have a good time.

The first step in camping, whether shut-in or outdoors, is to set-up your shelter. So to begin, you need a tent. Now this can be one of two things. First, it could be a real tent. Second (if you don't have a real tent, or your real tent is not big enough for your family, or your real tent is stored in a 'special place' in the garage where you knew you'd always be able to find it) your shelter could be a collection of large blankets and/or sheets, and objects like chairs, couches and other props.

Now choose a room in the house that will function (with a stretch of the imagination) as your wilderness--this could be a large room with a lot of open space, or perhaps a room full of clutter would more approximate wilderness in your opinion (if you've got a musty basement, or neglected food storage you may find a veritable wilderness growing inside anyways). In any case, you need to know where you want to go camping. I always prefer the living room.

If you've decided where to pitch yourself, do so. Set-up your tent or fort or whatever you want to call it. Once that's done, make sure everyone has a comfortable place to sleep; this can mean anything. Sometimes we've dragged the mattress off of our bed and into the fort, other times we just lay down some blankets, and other times we pull out sleeping bags. The only rule here is to make sure everyone has what they need to feel comfortable for the night (favorite blanket, stuffed animal, ear plugs, you name it). Now if that is all done, then you know where everyone is going to sleep and that's that. So move on to step 2.

Step 2: I would always prefer to have a fireplace in my home and to have our shut-in campout next to a real fire. As you've experienced yourselves, that's not always possible. So if you can't have a real fire inside in a fire place, then build a fire ring in the middle of the room somewhere and do it that way--just kidding. A lantern is the second best option for light and warmth and coziness. If that's not possible either, the third option is to use a quaint little desk lamp and as a very last resort, a collection of flashlights all congregated in one area. The point being that you want a light source (with a little warmth if possible) for the family to congregate around.

--As a quick note, if you have any of those glow in the dark stars that you can put on walls, those do a great job of adding some atmosphere to the night if you put them on the ceiling overhead and let them power up throughout the day.--

Step 3: A little ambient noise is always good for the mood as well. We own a few CDs of nature sounds, but they can cost as much as a regular CD. My suggestion, to those wishing to just 'try it out' and not yet fully converted to the idea of shut-in camping, is to find some free sound-effects on the internet to download. Then you can either play them through the computer in the background, or burn them to a CD and play them that way. In any case it is always really neat to wake up to nature sounds. Even when you know you're inside, it does an amazing job of relaxing your day right from the beginning when you wake up to such peaceful noises (which is why I don't recommend CDs of African Savannah sounds--something about elephants and lions does little to relax me). Try one of the following links to start your search for ambient nature sounds: JCO Free Nature Sound Files, Absolute Sound Effects Archive.

So now that you're all gathered around in some--now cramped--room in your home, what should you do? Well, what does anyone do on a campout? You sit around the fire (or lantern, lamp, flashlights, etc...) eating food and talking or singing camp songs. When you have your own fire place you can roast hot dogs and all that stuff. Without one, we're a little more limited, but none-the-less creative. If you have a small camp stove you're willing to use, you can light that baby up in the room, but be careful to not let the fumes become too strong. Without a camp stove, again more limited, but probably more conveniently, I recommend using the oven. Cook some hot dogs then bring them into the room and everyone eat together. Some potato chips and drinks are a great addition. For dessert (always a favorite) make s'mores in the oven. Just lay graham crackers down on the cookie sheet, then put your chocolate and marshmallow on top of one piece and heat until melted. All at once you have a slew of s'mores all ready for you instead of the one at a time business of camp fires. So there's your food. The talking is up to you.

Talk about anything. Bring a supply of jokes with you. Bring some books. Card games are good for a campout (board games kind of ruin the campout feel because most of us don't pack in large boxes when we camp--if you do, more power to you). This portion of the activity is a little bit more up to you. The point of shut-in camping is to provide the intimacy of a real camp out (close quarters, warm fire, natural odors, cheap food), so that everyone can get to know one another a little better and spend what some call 'quality' time together. I hope everyone who ventures to try it has fun. Let us know how it goes for you and don't burn the house down (possible even with just flashlights, believe me).

Get it Together! - The Family Council

2009-01-11T03:01:00.001-05:00

If you hope to reach goals as a family, if you want to be more unified, if you need an organized way to approach problems, set rules, and plan for tomorrow, the following suggestion is a good way to begin. I'll call it Family Council, you can call it whatever you'd like. Simply stated, a family council happens anytime two or more members of a family discuss something of importance to them as individuals or to the family as a whole. There are two types -informal and formal- and they have a symbiotic relationship. If you can become more successful in one, the other will follow suit. I'm really here to talk about the latter, but I can't without at least mentioning the first.

Informal family councils take place all the time- when siblings get along, negotiate, or quarrel, when a parent asks a child how things are going, or a child expresses a need or concern to a parent, and when husband and wife talk together. The way we communicate with each other and the frequency of good informal communication will, in a large part, determine how the family comes together to set and accomplish goals using formal family councils. I think that a successful formal council hinges on each member feeling that they and their thoughts are respected and needed. The way to foster feelings of being valued is to participate in (and often instigate) good informal family coucils. In other words: talk to each other as much as you can! Laugh together. Share your troubles and successes. Ask questions. Learn to listen.

Then you can have formal family councils. Formal family councils can include the whole family. They can also involve just a few members when what needs to be addressed doesn't involve the whole family. In our case, half of the members of our family have very limited speech, so for now, Patrick and I meet after the others go to bed. Formal family councils are not spontaneous. They are planned on for a specific purpose. They can be spontaneous when needed, but they should also happen regularly. They can be used to make short term and long term plans, to calendar and correlate everyone's schedules, to discuss family finances, to bring up problems and find solutions, to set goals as a family and determine how to accomplish them. Sometimes the things we talk about are very practical, like: we need to remember that the recycling truck picks up this Saturday instead of Friday or when and where will we go on vacation. Often, we talk about ways we want to improve as a family. This blog is a result of a discussion in family council that involved the desire to do more to help strengthen families and talk of possible ways to do that. With that said, the following are my suggestions on how to make family council happen...

Getting Started with Family Councils

Preparation:

Pick a day for regular family councils. We hold our's every Sunday evening, but they don't necessarily have to be weekly. Just hold them frequent enough to meet your family's needs. It helps to be consistent about when you meet, even if it is only monthly. That way, everyone knows what to expect and comes better prepared to contribute.
This one is especially important if you're about to hold your very first family council (so it isn't regular yet): Let everyone know about it and briefly explain what it is. Maybe this is obvious, but nothing puts a damper on a meeting like having participants who refuse to participate because they weren't notified about it early enough or because they didn't know to come prepared.
Everyone should start preparing for family council now! Write down things to discuss as you think of them throughout the week. When I forget this step, I often sit down at council Sunday evening with absolutely nothing to say -not because I couldn't think of things earlier in the week, but because I can't seem to remember them when the opportunity for discussion arrives. (This doesn't mean you should wait until next week's council to solve pressing issues when they come up...)
Elect someone to lead the council -usually a parent. This person plays the part of mediator and is responsible for keeping order and making sure every voice is heard.
If you plan on reviewing the budget in family council, it helps to have someone account for all expenditures and update the budget generally, prior to coming together.

At the Council:

We always do 2 things at the beginning of each meeting: Review the budget and correlate our calendars. It really helps to talk about how we're doing with our budget each week. Fewer things are able to take us by surprise, we're able to better plan for upcoming expenses, and we know when we need to cut back on something before it's too late. I also imagine that it will be a useful tool in teaching children responsibility with money to include them in the discussion of family finances. As for calendars, all I feel inclined to say is that plans that are written down (especially in a place where everyone can see them) are a lot more likely to happen than plans that fail to make it to paper.
Each member of the council (i.e. every person) has a turn to present their ideas, problems, needs, etc. For each concern expressed, there should be opportunity for discussion -like an open forum (or perhaps a debate in some cases). Try not to continue on to the next person or even the next concern of the same person until the issue at hand is resolved in some way, even if the resolution is simply a plan to continue the discussion somewhere else. This may be a good spot for me to say that if something is brought up which doesn't involve most of the family, you should probably plan a different time to discuss it.
Remember that you have a mediator... In my humble opinion, the key to success in a family council is that every person feels important and knows that their ideas/opinions are valued. The mediator, or leader, is responsible for helping maintain an environment in which each person can feel this way. This may involve asking questions and making sure that everyone has expressed their feelings on a matter (this is especially crucial when individuals are shy or reticent).
Take Notes. Similar to writing schedules down on the calendar, if you want your meeting to be worth anything, I recommend writing everything down. Patrick and I just take our own notes, but maybe with a bigger family it would help to have one person take and copy the minutes for everyone to have. It is important that everyone remembers what went on at family council and what decisions were made. You will find that things happen as a result of family council, but not if you don't record what is supposed to happen.

A Few Additional Ideas:

It may help for husband and wife to counsel together before pulling the whole family into a family council -that way they are on the same page going into it.
Sometimes it is appropriate and extremely helpful to seek the help of extended family. Even if they are far away, there are so many opportunities, thanks to technology, to keep in touch and counsel together. Older generations can offer wisdom and experience that you might not have yet. Sometimes a grandparent, aunt, or uncle can say something to a child that would have been rejected or caused rebellion had it come from the parent.
It doesn't usually work out when parents show up to family coucil with a list of dos and don'ts. It's okay to come with an idea about desired outcomes, but those outcomes are a lot more likely to actually happen if they were reached through discussion instead of demand.

We didn't always do family council. In the beginning, we would look at our calendars on Monday and review the budget when there was an emergency or other immediate concern. It's not like we didn't talk or were totally disorganized, but when we decided to start this family council thing there were immediate and noticeable improvements. We suddenly had a regular time when we could set a direction for our family and an environment that encouraged it. So, we'd like to invite everyone to give it a try and hopefully find, as we did, that family council helps your family to get it together!

Not Zion but Tryin'

2009-01-02T20:00:00.000-05:00

Most great scientific breakthroughs happen because someone believes in a conclusion hard enough that they persevere through constant experiment and constant failure. They continue to learn what does and doesn't work. They go through all that hard work because they enjoy the process, for one, but also because a voice inside of them whispers that there is something great waiting to be realized. A family is a lot like those great scientific achievements. In more ways than one, I might add.

Lindsay and I were married in 2004 and have been experimenting ever since; intent on realizing the greatness we hear whispered inside us. There are ups and downs and things we have tried that just haven't worked out. So we put our heads together, talk it out, note what we've learned, and try again.

So far we've lived in five homes, traveled across the country three times by car (once with two cats in the car and once with one cat and one 11 month old in the car . . . don't ask about the second cat), obtained two bachelors degrees (one in Linguistics, one in Media Arts, both equally useless), held seven different jobs, vacationed in five states, had two kids, three cats, 15 fish, one turtle, and a million stuffed animals, owned three cars (all separately), built one apartment, and . . .

Now we are out of school trying to pay off debt while raising two boys and doing our best to keep our sanity. None of this has been possible entirely on our own. Going back to our scientific metaphor, great scientists don't work alone, starting from ground zero. Rather, they make the next great breakthrough by building on the work and research of scientists who've come before or who work contemporaneously. Likewise our family's journey has involved building on all those who came before us and the counsel from family and friends engaged in this same great experiment.

I think we might justly call the result we're all looking for (that great realization of our efforts) Zion. Right now Zion exists in our home only in morsels. There's a little Zion here, a little Zion there, then a dish breaks or someone screams, or something else disrupts it. We pick up the mess, look at how things went wrong, and try again. Zion here. Zion there. Zion is lost in the daily grind. That's kind of the process of this thing--at least according to our limited four years of experience. But because of those little morsels, we know that the entire thing exists. We've tasted it.

Anyone who's tried has seen or felt glimpses of Zion. It's a group effort. Rather than scientists it's groups of family members, or families, and neighborhoods, communities, cities, states, nations, and then the world. We have lofty hopes for not just our family, but for all families everywhere. And why not. Why hope for anything that wasn't lofty. No one succeeds because they hoped small. And no one succeeds on their own. We hope that by working together, and by having faith in our possibilities we can all succeed in this great, timeless endeavor that is the family.

That's the intent of our blog in any case. We want to have a place for those who believe in the family, or for those who want to believe in the family, or for anyone else who ever thinks about families. We hope to provide bits of encouragement, tips on running a home, open forums for people to talk and comment and learn together, inspiring stories, articles about the family, recipes, crafts, financial tips, and anything and everything relating to the family. We want to do our part, and have everyone participate, in strengthening the family--ours and yours. We hope everyone who comes to visit will feel inclined to stay and become a strength to the cause of the family.

Now, maybe you'd all like to know a little bit more about us . . .

The Characters

2009-01-01T15:35:00.000-05:00

We intend to be consistent about posting daily on here, but have been working through the details of what exactly we're trying to do and how exactly we're going to do it. So, in the interim between thinking and doing, here is a more involved introduction to our family.

In the beginning was Patrick. Hopefully the way I see him and the way he sees himself will have something in common. I hate to write things that he wouldn't agree with, but here I go. I say he was in the beginning simply because he was born first; nearly two and a half years before the next member of our family. He's an explorer. He likes to figure new things out and experiment with old things in ways normal people don't think of. He also likes to make everything he touches better. Most of us like to think we are like this too, but Patrick really is. In every job I've known him to have, in every assignment in church, with our physical surroundings, with our family, in his friendships, you name it... he is always looking for a way to improve them or, rather, to improve in them. He likes movies, but doesn't like most movies. I guess it's more like he likes the medium of film and what can be done with it and is generally disappointed with what most filmmakers produce. He prefers the outdoors to the indoors. He is intrigued by languages. Patrick was born in Spokane, WA nearly three decades ago. He was the first of six children (to which he attributes most of his gray hair). He left home at the age of 19 to serve as a missionary in Paris. He then studied film at BYU.

That's where I come in -the next character in our family's history. My name's Lindsay. Some call me Mama and others call me Lady, but you can call me Lindsay. I am currently rediscovering myself. The combination of moving to a city, being busy with studies, getting married, and turning my waking (and sometimes my sleeping) hours over to mothering, kind of took over what I used to be and I recently came to the realization that there were things that I used to care about that lost their place in my life. I used to love to make music, read books, sing (uh... work) in the garden, climb trees, create sewing and paper things, and run. I also used to be considerably more physically fit and very very shy. Now I love to chase diapered kids around, laugh at funny faces and noises and messes, make good food (though it doesn't always happen), and teach the teenage girls at church. I wish I was more physically fit and I'm happily not quite so shy. Give me a little time and I think I'll be somewhere between what I used to be and what I am now, or maybe I'll just be a combination of the two. I was born and raised in a tiny town near Ithaca, NY. I am the oldest of four. I left home for school in Utah at 18 and returned 5 years later with a husband and a child and a half.

Patrick and I met at BYU. We got married a short time later. I was young and I'm sure most people thought I was crazy, but I was fairly certain at the time that I was making the right decision, so I went with it. Now I feel like I couldn't have made a better choice. Being poor married students was humbling and we learned invaluable lessons from it. We also have plenty of humorous stories from that phase of our life. Luckily, we had enough foresight to laugh then too. Two years later, Nolan appeared in our lives. We've been laughing ever since.

Nolan was a mild tempered baby who was quick to smile, had huge brown eyes, and slept through the night. It was hard not to like him. Now he's two and a half, talks non stop, is constantly coming up with dance moves, dangerous physical feats, and descriptions of his brother, who he generally adores. His most recent description came out in a monologue uttered in the back seat of our car as we drove home the other day.

"Awwww."

"Cute baby?" Followed by silence, as if he's thinking about the answer.

Then, "Cute baby." He says it like it's a scientific fact.

There's no doubt that this boy loves his brother, although he doesn't always enjoy sharing toys with him. We're still trying to teach him to equate love with sharing.

Gerret is almost a year old. He also has big brown eyes and a quick smile. Having Gerret has helped me know for myself that people are born with personalities. Yes, a lot of things develop as a result of environment and the nurturing care of parents, teachers, and friends (or sometimes the neglectful care of such folks), but I have no doubt that we come sprinkled with characteristics of our very own. Gerret has a strong will. He knows what he wants and has always made it apparent. This, combined with a Go-Getter attitude, makes for a quick paced, adventurous baby, who is constantly passing the next developmental milestone. He keeps me on my toes.

That's all I have to say about us right now. Here is a picture of our family taken July 2008.

Eight Days

2008-12-27T21:55:00.000-05:00

In its infant state we don't know every specific about our blog. You can be assured, however, of the motivation behind the name. Each week we will post an exercise for the family. That is not to say pilates for the family(though pilates couldn't hurt--Lindsay just nudged me and told me pilates can indeed hurt). Rather each week we will focus on one principle of family life that we can all work on. There will be some of our knowledge, some of our estimation, some knowledge from outside sources, a lot of common sense (hopefully) and an invitation for anyone and everyone to comment thereafter. The exercise will be intended to be put into practice for the upcoming week--Sunday being used as a day to prepare. Then anyone willing can try to put into action the principles discussed. At the end of the week it will be time for a new post from us, but hopefully you will continue to practice the things we all learn and try together. That's where the 'eighth day' comes in. If you do it for the entire week you've done great, but that eighth day is the start of a second week and our hope is that everyone who can continue these practices beyond the first week will continue with them and truly strengthen their home and family. Thus Zion--or peace, happiness, and all other good things--can be accomplished eight days at a time.