The Diagnosis is Negative . . .

There is a dire need to remove (surgically if need be) the amount of negative feelings, words, and actions, from the Family.

Argument is not communication.

Argument is argument. It is discord. It is biting. It is the opposite of communication.

Debate is the communicative form of the argument. Debate occurs without biting, without any negativism, without discord.

Yet, somehow, argument seems to be more common in many homes than debate--more common even than communication itself. For some reason (blame a lot of TV and movies for it) Families have come to view argument as something that is unavoidable. Families aren't trying to avoid arguments, they're just trying to prepare for them and survive them. Much better were the days of Dick Van Dyke than our days of King of the Hill and Home Improvement.

When argument is the common/expected lot, then real growth as a family is not possible.

"Just as effective communication is almost always found in strong, healthy families, poor communication is usually found in unhealthy family relationships. Marriage and family therapists often report that poor communication is a common complaint of families who are having difficulties. "(source)

"Good communication between parents and teens is the very best way to keep teens safe."(source)

"Effective communication is a major characteristic of strong families, and is one of the factors that helps them get through hard times."(source)

I don't know how the treatment of spouse, child, or parent, has gotten to this point of anticipated discord and argument, but I wish for us all to make the necessary 180 degree turn (when and where necessary) and help our Families succeed. Any negative words are wasted words. Criticism is not solution. But where does one begin? The best place to begin any change is with ourselves--to quote from Nelson Mandella, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world (or I'd add 'in your family)."

Take this coming week to begin your personal 180 degree turn. Each night before going to bed you need to make a list. It may help to put a 3x5 card (or notebook) and pen on your pillow. Take some time and list every instance from the day when you were negative. Whether these were negative thoughts, words, or actions. List them all down. Look over the list.

--Above all avoid making judgement on the events. Don't try to determine whether you were justified or not, or whether it was the fault of someone else. Negativism is always the innappropriate response and we are always at fault for the way we act or react.--

Now, after spending whatever you deem adequate time with your list, tear it up and discard it. No one else needs to read it, and you don't need to reread it. The exercise is mainly to help draw your attention to the negative energies of the day, because you can't fix a leak you can't find.

The following morning you are going to use a new 3x5 card or notebook and list eight positive things about everyone living in your home. Once you've finished the list look it over and discard. Repeat this exercise everyday this week. See how it helps you to begin each day by positively evaluating everyone else and ending each day evaluating your own weaknesses.

You can't have any greater success than the success of family, but you can't succeed as a family unless you communicate, and you can't communicate if argument is common place (when argument is common place then coming together to set family goals is just combining yeast and vinegar--the explosion is guaranteed).